By the time this blog post goes live, I will have just completed my first laparoscopy procedure. I have had so many thoughts go through my mind these last couple of months. I can’t believe that just a year ago I was in New York City celebrating my 40th birthday. I am ringing in my 41st birthday this week with surgery, go figure. This is my last stop on the IVF train, and I feel good about that. Yes, we have one frozen PGS tested embryo on ice right now, but I am not sure when and how we are going to do that transfer.
I feel that I have pushed this journey to the max with a total of 2 IUI’s, five IVF’s, one FET, six invasive pre-procedures, 350+ injections, 50+ transvaginal ultrasounds, five negative betas, three Reproductive Endocrinologists, two states, six flights, five-second opinions. I am looking to start my life again.
Does that mean I am giving up? Not at all if you look back at what I pushed myself to do I think I am winning. There is more to this journey than just getting pregnant. That’s the silver lining stay with me here; you have to look beyond why you went into your IVF journey. Yes, everyone’s primary objective is to get pregnant and fast, but that’s not what always happens because you can’t make that happen. I think we get a false sense of control in the infertility world. You think, or at least we did having a diagnosis of “unexplained infertility” that we will do a couple of fertility drugs and be on our way. God had other plans for us. It’s been challenging, exciting, tearful, hard, dark, depressing, lonely, horrible, terrifying, sad, but it’s also been loving, encouraging, challenging in a good way, an enormous level of gratitude, growth, hope patience, peace, and opportunity.
This surgery for me is like knockin’ on heaven’s door. I am praying that God guides the surgeon’s hands and His grace upon my body. I am also praying for some answers; I hope that from doing this surgery that we will have the peace I have been looking for throughout this entire journey. As a reader of my blog you know I love Gun-N-Roses remember my Patience blog? I go from listening to Dave Brubeck in the studio all day every day to switching it up to a little Axl or Candlebox, and this isn’t from the hormones I have been like this since I was twelve. I am just crazy like that. As I write this post, I have Knockin on Heaven’s Door on repeat.
If I changed the lyrics to this song it would go something like this:
God take this burden from me
I can’t bare it anymore
Time is ticking away I am getting too old
Feels like I’m knocking on heaven’s door
God put my heavy heart to rest
I can’t keep injecting anymore
That hopeless and cold doctor’s office
Feels like I am knockin’ on heaven’s door
Feel free to email me this week as I will be recovering and have the rare opportunity to watch as many Real Housewives episodes as possible and respond to emails. It’s been incredibly hectic since I got back from my February FET in Colordao so this downtime is a real blessing. Sending you lots of love and hope as you navigate through your infertility journey. If I can do as much as I did, I know you can do it.