Discover Your Inner Journey
For a long time, I thought the reason I wasn’t getting pregnant was that I had a spiritual blockage. I know it may sound crazy, I did go as far as asking multiple women in my bible study that I look up to for biblical knowledge and all of them came back to me and said that’s not how it works Nikol. The same intense feeling I got back in July about something being drastically wrong with my uterus which proved to be correct (I was diagnosed with stage three endometriosis last month) is the same feeling I am getting now about my spiritual health.
It’s no secret that infertility, multiple rounds of grueling IVF, injections, and operations to just name a few of the extreme elements can take its toll on your mental health. The other night I was doing some research (I know, I know what’s new?) but this time it wasn’t on infertility procedures, treatments, drugs, clinical studies. It was on natural ways to conceive, Eastern Medicine and Acupuncture. I know there is a huge disconnect right now with the amount of resentment I have, how I was treated by the clinics, the lack of knowledge on the doctor’s part (and my part for that matter) that were part of my journey. I just can’t let go of the trauma that I went through. I stay stuck on the numbers, what was said to me, every phone call with a negative beta. It just repeats in my head over and over again. I stay angry and don’t move forward with my journey.
It’s Time To Find Your Inner Peace
I have always been very raw on my blog when it comes to the hard topics. Most bloggers won’t or don’t talk about personal issues like having extreme resentment or anger. I will because I know from the many emails and letters I receive that you too are going through this struggle and it’s OK. It’s OK to feel all the feelings you have about how unfair it is that you are going through infertility, how angry you get with each loss, negative beta, baby shower, Facebook pregnancy announcement, holiday’s, etc. I get it, and you are NOT alone.
So let’s get back to my little research I was doing the other night. I do my best research at night and then in the morning have no idea how I found such fantastic sites. I stumbled on a website for a Doctor of Eastern Medicine that specialized in fertility. She practices “Having healthy babies the HEALTHY way.” This intrigued me, so I made an appointment to gain a better knowledge about this concept. What I learned today was that I need to draw a line in the sand and leave my infertility journey behind. Yes, that’s right girls LET GO OF THE PAST. I was told I was not to do any more research on infertility. I need to have a shift in energy. I have more important work right now to do, and that starts with letting go of my past. For the next three months, I am on a weekly acupuncture schedule adding in herbs and addressing my diet. We will be concentrating first on treating my liver and spleen then working on fertility. I feel that this is not a ridiculous path to take right now remember I was just diagnosed with stage three endometriosis last month and I had three fibroids removed. I am not interested in doing anything that has to do with synthetic injections or stepping into a fertility clinic right now. Until I am ready to transfer our last embryo, I need to find inner peace.
I have been carrying around all this anger and resentment from my past six failures, but I have missed out on what God wants me to learn through this process. I 100% feel that my body is fully capable of getting pregnant now that the endometriosis has been excised, it’s my spirit that needs the attention. If I don’t allow my body to let go of everything I have been through, if I keep holding on tight to all the toxic feelings I know this won’t work. I need to make room for positive change and to do this I need to do the work. Besides pregnancy, this is a major step for me as a woman to embrace all aspects of this journey and let it strengthen me not destroy me.
So what do you do if you find yourself like me stuck with toxic feelings unable to move forward? It’s a shift in energy. If you have been drowning yourself with infertility research, doing cycle after cycle getting nowhere or feel like you have lost yourself through this process it’s time to take a much needed mental break. Take the time to give yourself the space you need to find your path. Mix it up, take a yoga class, sip a calming tea, try acupuncture, a massage, meditation whatever it is that will calm and recenter you just do it.
It’s going to take discipline, dedication and a desire to get to know and understand why infertility is part of my life lesson. What is it that the universe wants me to learn? I know I can’t do this on my own so I found a couple of books that will help guide me.
- How Can I Possibly Forgive?: Rescuing Your Heart from Resentment and Regret by Sara Horn
- The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection by Robert Karen
- Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary FIve-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, Find Peace in Any Situation by Colin Tipping. I love the concept of this book asking you “Could there be a divine purpose behind everything that happens?” If you’re willing to embrace this possibility, every aspect of your life can change. I have this on the top of my reading list.
- Total Forgiveness: When Everything in Your Wants to Hold a Grudge, Point a Finger, and Remember the Pain. God Wants You to Lay it All Aside by R.T. Kendall.
- I Don’t Wait Anymore: Letting Go of Expectations and Grasping God’s Adventure for You by Grace Thornton. This is a must read for anyone that feels that life is not turning out the way you have planned it. I can’t wait to read this book.
Let Go and Let God
I have to remember that the life I have designed for myself might not be the one that God has in store for me. I have to understand and accept this because even though it’s not what I think is best for my life God has designed an even greater life for me. All I have to do is Let Go and Let God.