by: Nikol Johnson
I am preaching to the choir when I say I am so tired of reading, praying and hoping for just those two little pink lines. I am almost to the point where I am going to draw the second line in and pretend I am pregnant for the day #enoughsaid. It’s amazing that those two little lines hold so much power. If you stare long enough, you can blur your vision where you go into a trance state of hopeful dreaming. You picture what you would look like with a cute bump in the mirror, the expression on your husband’s face when you tell him “We’re Pregnant,” the joy-filled family dinners of the long-awaited announcement. Fashion forward maternity clothes, designing the nursery, picking out the most adorable baby clothes, rocking chairs, changing diapers you get the idea.
But reality sets in and you don’t see two lines, not even a faint line and so you go back to the drawing board. It’s a time each month when you just can’t figure out why this is happening. Not just a couple of months but for years. I ask God “Why do I have to be in the season of waiting for years?” yet no answer. I question everything I have done and am doing through this infertility journey. Not having any answers to why you have infertility is probably the most heartwrenching part of our journey. We were diagnosed with no diagnosis, how is that possible?
Many people think I have gone way over the top with everything I have done with five IVF cycles and all the other invasive procedures almost to the point of “When are you going to stop this search Nikol maybe you will never get answers.” My thoughts and decisions almost change by the minute. At times I am finished, DONE, NO MORE. Then other times I am thinking things through rationally and doing the proper research.
My ovulation tests are a whole other story of blurred lines. It looks like I have pretty consistent monthly ovulation but I have gone crossed eyed trying to figure out what my LH surge day is from these lines. Not until I started working with First Response ovulation kits that have a digital test to confirm LH surge did I know what was going on. Now that I am using the backup digital I feel so much better that I know I am on track, and I am not wasting the Stork OTC on the wrong days. Our PGS tested FET failed at the end of February, and I started testing in April. My cycle was off from all the hormones in March but began to get back to normal the following months. I have always had twenty-eight-day cycles but after all the IVF cycles my ovulation was all over the place. It looks like now being hormone free for six months I am back to normal, and I am ovulating on CD13.
My Mom and IVF girlfriends probably think I am nuts, but this is part of it, I have no answers, so I have to expire all reasonable avenues before I say OK we are done. I feel like I am putting a huge puzzle together and it’s getting incredibly frustrating; you know what it’s supposed to look like from the front of the box, but you just can’t find the pieces that fit to make this beautiful picture. That’s where I am right now I am not picking up the right pieces that fit into the puzzle. So what do I do? Get frustrated and in a rage destroy all my hard work I have done so far on the puzzle? The borders and outline are all intact, some of the corners are coming together it’s just the middle that’s a huge hole. The pieces are there, YES right there on the table inches away from making the most beautiful picture, but I just don’t know which ones to pick up.
I am writing my dilemma on my blog because that’s why I started this blog. Writing for me is cathartic a way for me to process this deep dark infertility hole. We have one PGS tested embryo left on ice, we can rush in and transfer it not really knowing why my uterus doesn’t accept my embryo and hope for the best, recap I failed at my last three transfers, or I can push myself outside my comfort zone and find an expert on endometriosis. I canceled my laparoscopy that was scheduled this month because my gut told me it was the wrong doctor to be doing this surgery. It’s almost like a match point there is so much riding on the decisions that my husband and I make moving forward it’s almost debilitating. I have found a couple of laparoscopy surgical experts that I am consulting within the next week.
We make normal embryos in the lab but for some reason, our egg and sperm can’t meet naturally. Not one doctor can tell us why or have any reasonable solution to our issue. So what do you do? Give Up? Say it’s just not meant to be? Listen to all the noise? Some days I am like the answer is to give up the next it’s let me find my personal power and keep going. It’s a crap shoot and I am not ashamed to say I have major highs and lows about all of this.
What I have found important through this very uncertain time is to let myself feel everything I am feeling. I can’t pretend that this part of our journey is not hard. I am mad, frustrated, sad, hopeful, sad, frustrated it’s a huge emotional cycle. No matter what we will get through this together and be stronger than when we started.
I like to do simple things for myself that take the focus off of our infertility. Friday night date nights, connecting with my girlfriends for lunch or I take the afternoon off and treat myself to a trending Starbucks strawberry-acai berry cooler with coconut milk (thank you Instagram). It’s just my way of reconnecting without infertility running every moment of our lives.
Sometimes you just need that girlfriend lunch, hour long conversation on FaceTime or an hour in silence. I survive the nightmare days of infertility by finding things that make me happy. Simple little things to keep my sanity.
I have created many unique bracelets from Keep Collective to keep positive words in front of me. My Inspire bracelet is one of my favorites. I have a couple of new ones that I ordered for fall that I will be featuring in some of my upcoming posts.
Photography: Rick Gomez Photography
Top and Skirt: Banana Republic Shoes: Diane von Furstenberg Necklace: Stella & Dot Bracelet: Keep Collective