I have been thinking a lot about writing this post and what it would mean for my life. I went into fertility treatments in 2014 like nobody’s business and fought hard. I dedicated my life to making videos and blog posts while going through this journey to help keep me sane and to help other women in this mainly cash only business that sucks the life out of you (yes, I say business because that’s what it is). I am ready to close the door on infertility, all the failures, loss, anger, insecurities, and all the time that making videos, scheduling photo shoots, planning content and blogging takes up in my life. You can still find me on my beauty blog and channel of course because that’s where I need to be putting all my energy for 2017.
It’s not turning my back on all the women that have told me I have helped them so much nor is it a weakness.
I feel I need closure after my encore laparoscopy surgery in October 2016. I finally found out I had stage three endometriosis and the breaks went to a screeching halt. I fought through five IVF cycles, 2 IUI’s and I PGS FET all while having endometriosis? Are you kidding? How would my journey have been different if I actually knew I had this disease? What would my journey have been like if a doctor listened to me and agreed to do my laparoscopy? Would I be holding my baby or babies by now? See this is why I have to gather my sanity and hit the X button on my blog for now.
Everyone loves a success story. When I was cycling through IVF, that’s when people were curious. How many follicles? How many eggs? How many did you transfer? What was your Beta? Are you Pregnant? Are you Pregnant? Are you Pregnant? It’s exciting but creates massive highs and lows. No one wants to keep hearing about failures because they start thinking about their journey and if it can’t happen for her why would it happen for me? The pressure I felt the start at each cycle was unreal. Every time I failed it was like I had the Scarlett letter on my chest and the internal thoughts of being less of woman would shadow over everything in my life. I can’t keep going back to this dark place and recapping everything and literally be living in the past.
I don’t think I really have let myself feel the pain of losing all these babies (total of six that I transferred) or give myself credit for doing so many cycles, surgeries and injections. It’s a new year for me with new hope. I need to allow myself to not keep looking back and repeating my story over and over again. I truly believe what you put out there verbally shapes your life. I am stuck because I say the same thing over and over again through my blog, videos and in real life.
It’s time to let go and let God. Time for new beginnings, new love, new experiences, new faith, new passions. Life is moving forward and so am I. I wish you the best in your fertility journey. Keep the faith, love and hope that God gives to each and every one of us.
It’s not over this is just the beginning.