Well, how is that for a blog post title? I am sure you are thinking of just one thing right now. But Sorry????? It’s interesting, to say the least on how this blog post took shape. I shot the pictures for this post weeks ago and had one objective in mind when I created the photo shoot I AM NOT SORRY FOR FEELING THE WAY I DO PERIOD. On the T-Shirt that I wore in small letters down to the bottom right it said: “But Sorry.” I was so annoyed that it said this and thought well, maybe I can just cover that part up or photoshop it out, but God had another idea waiting for me to discover.
If you watch my videos or follow me on Instagram, you know that I have had major anger issues with my doctors, yeah that’s right I am not ashamed in any way to say that anger was a byproduct of IVF for me. So much anger built up inside me with how I was treated, spoken to, dismissed, told stupid options that were not relevant to me you name it I experienced it. I was at a point where I realized if I didn’t take care of this anger, anger would take care of me and it wouldn’t be pretty.
When I lived in South Beach, I went to South Beach Boxing almost every day. I was obsessed with kicking, punching and getting all my frustrations out at this hot smelling dripping with sweat boxing gym. I was modeling at the time with extreme pressure to be the best, the most fit, the skinniest, the most booked model. I am no stranger to pressure, and boxing was an outlet for me. I did ask to get in the ring more than once, but my agent wouldn’t let that happen. I still to this day would like to see if I could hold my own in the ring. Thanks to IVF I am sure it would be a knockout.
“WHEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE IS WHEN YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE GOT.” -TD JAKES
I have been searching around for some hardcore kicking boxing class or anything that just has a heavy bag where I can kick the crap out of it. I found 9Round, and I haven’t looked back. I was very upfront with the trainer as to why I was there. I couldn’t wait to wrap my hand’s slip on the heavy gloves and just go to town on anything and everything hanging in the room. I quickly figured out that my endurance wasn’t like it used to be probably from the last two years of injecting myself and not being able to work out like I had in the past. I am building back up my endurance by going three to four times a week and loving every part of this physical pain. I can almost cry after hitting the bag with everything I have because it brings out so much pain and frustration all at once. Yes, I am the girl doing the roundhouse kicks grunting, the louder the sound when my leg hits that bag, the better #figher. You are in competition with yourself just like infertility it’s not about anyone else’s journey. It’s about you and getting your mind in check. What goes through my mind when I am punching is so therapeutic and I bring that back to my infertility journey.
“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU CAN TAKE UNTIL THE PRESSURE IS APPLIED TO YOUR LIFE.” -TD JAKES
There is an exercise where you squat to pick up a twenty-pound ball, pull it up over your head and then slam it down as hard as you can. You repeat this exercise fast and with so much force that you think you are going to rip your arms out. So what do I think of when I slam down that ball into the ground? My doctors face that’s what. I hope you are not surprised at how much aggression I have towards a particular doctor that did nothing for my infertility journey. Wait he did do something he wasted my time, money and body on his ridiculous protocols with lots of NO’s to the proper treatments, testing, and medication. So stay with me here, I would look forward to this round because it made me feel so good. I would think of the crappy things that he had said to me (coupled with a couple other RE’s) and then slam down the ball Ohh Ohh it felt so good. Then the other day when I was in the middle of this extremely exciting exercise I almost stopped and held the ball over my head and thought wait……..I am starting to feel compassion for this doctor. No, not because I have slammed his face into the ground for the past two weeks but because he’s so far behind in the infertility advancements, knowledge of new treatments he’s practically dying on the vine. Thank goodness that’s not me. I am not changing the course of young women’s lives. I am not leaving women in the dark with my archaic knowledge. I feel “but sorry” because he’s just a little squirrel trying to get a piece of the infertility nut and make some money. He has feelings, goals (I am assuming) a family, a heart (I hope) and love to give.
So I am “But Sorry” sorry for letting IVF get the best of me, sorry for holding on to the past, sorry for sitting up late at night thinking of how I could have done things different, sorry that I felt sorry for myself on numerous occasions, sorry that I didn’t know more when I started my first IVF cycle. In life crap (you know I want to use another word, but I keep it classy) things happen to each and every one of us that’s just a fact of life. I can’t go around being angry because of infertility. It’s all part of the plan you have to envision the final outcome.
I think the reason I gravitate towards boxing not only because I love aggressive and challenging sports but because it’s an endurance challenge just like infertility. You have to train, look forward when it gets tough. Stop complaining get in the ring. Build your strength both mentally and physically. Do whatever it takes to find the answers to your health issues. When it hurts push forward, when you are crunching, and your abs are burning like you just gave yourself a MacDaddy Cetrotide shot you keep going THAT’S RIGHT YOU KEEP GOING. Infertility is a training game it’s not for sissies. Keep punching girls until that bell rings because it ain’t over til it’s over.