The last four weeks since I posted my failed FET update have been more challenging than I expected. What an incredible wave of emotion. From completely fine “I’ve Got This” to a complete emotional meltdown. I have gone from extreme anger and rage thinking that I needed to pick up kickboxing again (pillow punching isn’t cutting it) to crying into my glass of wine each night. There is no pretending in IVF you are either 100% in or you are out, and you take all the punches as they come. I put everything I had both mentally and physically into our journey these last three years, and it’s hard to end up holding nothing. Well, I am left holding something: extra weight and loads of emotional baggage. Yeah, I know it’s not pretty, and I am not super positive at this moment. It feels good just to be.
I have never felt the need to fluff and puff IVF or what it’s like being in it. I give it to you all straight with each and every blog post and vlog video.
I wasn’t sure what would make me feel better. Wine is making me more of a hot mess and counteracting my efforts to lose the extra synthetic hormone injection weight. I have always been extremely active and choose activities such as kickboxing, spinning, tennis, soccer. I decided to get back on the bike and lose my mind in some serious Cycleward cycling classes. This type of mental escape has worked for me in the past, so I was excited to replenish my soul.
Before I continue, I did see a Chinese doctor and surprise he told me that I was depressed, had inadequate blood flow something about my progesterone being low from my pulse and practically had a heart attack from learning I did five IVF cycles in one year. He took a picture of my tongue and showed me how malnourished I was. He gave me some herbs to mix with water and drink twice a day. So needless to say I left feeling like why did I do IVF if it was this simple to take my pulse and look at my tongue? I did the herbs for one day, canceled my follow up appointment and decided just to let it ride.
OK so back to my ride, I don’t go to a typical cycling class but a music video cycling class. Huge screen TV with everything from 1970’s to Snoop Dog blaring to the point that I wear earplugs that are provided. I dusted off my vintage cycling shoes and signed up for some hardcore music and body toning classes. Lights are turned off; black lights are on, and it’s just me and my bike. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be riding and concentrating on what I am doing. I visualize that I am leaving everything behind, all the IVF treatments, injections after injections (over 500 to be exact) stupid trans ultrasound invasive appointments, failed follow-up meetings, the look on my RE’s face when he can’t figure out why it’s not working, the depression I feel not being able to do something that should come naturally ALL OF IT it’s behind me. I am moving forward to a new beat that doesn’t include my infertility past.
So there you have it, my recipe on how to pick yourself up from the depths of despair when your infertility journey seems to have hit a dead end. Working out might not work for you but for me, it was about finding a new beat, a rhythm that has new hope and light. If you stay in the dark too long, your eyes will get adjusted to the darkness. Whatever season you are in right now Just Let It Ride.